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Politics of the Playground

It seems fitting that at a time when we are enmeshed in political discussions nationally that we put some attention on the politics that are present in our children’s lives, namely the fine line they often have to walk on a daily basis just to feel accepted by their peers.

It is a basic human need to be loved and wanted and we all try to achieve this in a variety of ways.  Most of us have figured out how to build close caring relationships with others that enrich our lives.  There are others who are not as adept and haven’t developed this skill as fully.   All of this is true for children as well, who are not as polished as we are (nor should they be), at this point in their lives.

It is a wonderful opportunity to be reminded again of the importance of acceptance in all of our lives and how it manifests itself on the playground.  There are some children who know how to gather others to them and never suffer from a shortage of playmates.  They are confident enough to have a wide circle of friends and are able to be welcoming and inclusive. 

There are other children who don’t have the same level of confidence and are more likely to follow others who make overtures to them.  This can sometimes lead to uncomfortable situations if the group that has included them is unkind to others.  They are forced to choose between doing the right thing and sticking up for kids who are being targeted by their group or face the real possibility that they will be ostracized or teased themselves.  This is an impossible situation for most children and they often feel trapped and frightened and unsure about how to handle things.

Some children are using “things” as currency to friendship – buying the right clothes, having all of the latest in electronic equipment or using their large homes as their entrée into the “popular” group.  In addition to using this currency as a means to fitting in themselves, it is being used as a way to exert power over those who don’t conform.

When people feel powerless over their lives to change some of these social dynamics, they might resort to gossiping about others as a way to seek some confirmation that they are accepted and sought by others.  Children can easily be caught up in talking about others when they are not around.  The problem is, of course, that it doesn’t change the situation if you never engage with the people with whom you are in conflict and escalates the targeting and isolation for certain children.  The gossip ensures that some children develop a “reputation” which often follows them for years to come.

There are things that we can do as parents to help them navigate some of these confusing and painful situations.  

• The most important thing is to listen and to invite conversation without judgment.   When you ask your children about their day, be willing to really hear what they are saying and feeling.  We usually want to jump in and problem solve immediately, when children often need to talk and process the information.   Make every effort to avoid either blaming or demonizing the other children, or dismissing what your child is saying as if it is no big deal.  This will invite more openness from your children.

• We need to reinforce to children that while it may be difficult to stand up for someone or include a person who is not wanted by others into their group, reinforce that it is the right thing to do.  Talk to them about the empathy that you have for them in this situation and help them practice what they could say should that situation arise.  

• Talk about how to use their influence with their peers as a way to promote acceptance and kindness toward others. Teach them about leaders who have made decisions to take a powerful stand for what is right, even when they faced obstacles.  The best kind of leader is someone who can rise up the entire group, rather than put themselves above others in order to feel good about themselves.

• Be open to concerns other people share with you about your child.  If we truly practiced “it takes a village to raise a child”, then we would assume that this information is based on caring about helping all of our children to grow into self-sufficient, caring and kind people.

• It is alright to choose our friends, even if others are disappointed or hurt that they have not been selected.  One of the burdens that children carry is that most of them don’t want to be mean to others and therefore have a hard time letting others know that their interests are different and they would rather not try to maintain a friendship.  It is important for children to understand that they can’t protect others from feeling badly at times.  However, there is a difference between being open and inclusive to everyone when they are at school versus the private relationships we build with others outside of school.

• Everyone has the right to have relationships with people who value them for who they are and should choose people who are accepting of them.  We have to help children move away from the idea that there is only one socially acceptable group that is not making room for them.  We can listen to the disappointment that our children express when they are not chosen by others, and encourage and assist them in finding people who share interests or activities with them. 

It can be painful to listen to your children and to watch them struggle as they are figuring out the many social variables in their lives.  Hold on to perspective!  Children have a very narrow viewpoint and things are very much seen as only black or white.  We have to be the ones who can listen to the painful emotions and use these as opportunities to guide our children as they are learning about life.

The more we are able to allow our children opportunities to be self-sufficient, face challenges and solve problems, the better prepared they will be to weather the greater storms that may come their way.  We will also be communicating to them that we have confidence in their ability to survive difficult times.  That gift would be priceless.