Articles

Middle School: Debunking the Myth of the “Mean Girl”

by Sara Braun

The middle school years are indisputably the hardest in a young person’s life. For girls, the ultimate challenge of middle school is surviving the emotional ordeal of friendships. Contrary to the perception put forth by the media about the existence of a select group of malicious girls who exist in middle and high schools like poisonous aliens, the “meanness” between girls happens pervasively and among all girls. Most often, when  a girl is the recipient of bullying, embarrassment, harassment, or  guilt-tripping, the culprit is her “best friend.” This dynamic may be  baffling to an outsider, but to experts on women’s psychology it  provides some clarity.

According to Carol Gilligan, “…an inner sense of connection with  others is [the] central organizing feature of women’s development  and psychological crisis in girl’s lives stems from disconnections.”  Gilligan and her colleagues theorize that the ultimate paradox for  girls is “giving up relationships for the sake of relationships”.* What  this means is that girls become overwhelmed with the impossible  challenge of pleasing everyone all the time. They often betray one  friend—or themselves—in an effort to be connected with another  friend.

So, it makes perfect sense that when confronted with such  challenges as feeling angry (“I didn’t like that comment that you  made”), or setting limits (“I don’t want anyone to come over to my  house today.”) or expanding social circles (“I want to spend some  time with a new group of friends”), girls can be overwhelmed with  anxiety about putting any separation between themselves and their  friends. They don’t yet have the emotional maturity needed to be  able to artfully create needed boundaries in their friendships. The  result can be extreme: Girls ignore each other or cut each other  off instead of articulating a needed break; girls will tell each others’  secrets (the worst crime that can be committed against another girl)  in an unconscious effort to get the needed emotional distance or to  bond with other girls.

Girls in a group together—whether it be two or ten—have a  primal need to create intense relational bonds in that moment. One  of the fastest ways to do this is to tell each other their most intimate  secrets and to talk badly about someone who is not present, further  drawing the line of closeness around them. Because they are  adolescents, the relational needs are all about the here-and-now  and the perspective about the consequences of their actions in  these moments is quite limited. Thus they get hurt again and again  and again.

Paradoxically, it is because girls are hard-wired for closeness that  they suffer such cruelty and alienation at the hands of each other.  Add increasing school pressures, racing hormones, emerging  competition for the attention of romantic interests, and these “fights”  that girls get in with each other can take up so much time and  energy that they can compromise the ability to focus in school.

Although these dynamics between early adolescent girls  are probably as old as humankind, there are some things that  adults can do to help minimize the intensity of them. Here are  some suggestions:

1. Listen to them intently and validate their feelings. This  is sometimes the hardest thing to do when, as a parent,  you feel an intense need to DO something in response  to the emotional crises that your daughter brings home.  Try to remember that each individual crisis is fleeting— that the girl your daughter is in a “fight” with today will  be her best friend tomorrow. What matters most to  your daughter is the way she is feeling here and now  and that someone (you) is connected with her while  she is feeling so disconnected from that friend or those  girls.

2. Offer a perspective. For all young adolescents, any  emotional perspective is negligible. Remind your  daughter of the fight she had last week (that is “so over”  now) and how that got resolved. Help her to see that  things do change over time. Talk to her about the kinds  of qualities that she values in a friend—and in herself  as a friend—and help her to make her own decisions  about who she really wants to spend time with.

3. Be a role model. Stay aware of your own interactions  with your friends and family. Be attentive to how  you talk to your friends, how you skillfully set limits  for yourself, how you respectfully express anger  and disappointment. Your daughters are absorbing  everything that you do—even if they don’t appear to be  watching.

3. Time away—left to their own devices, girls may stay  immersed with the same groups of friends. Sometimes  they just need a break from the intensity of the same  group. Consider signing your daughter up for sports or  an after school program that is out of the community.

4. Time with family (even if they kick and scream)—the  closeness of the family will offset some of the need  for intense closeness with friends. If at all possible,  schedule some one-on-one time with your daughter  regularly. Try to hold this time as sacred. Remember  that being important to you means the world to her  (even if she rolls her eyes).

5. Breathe! This is a stressful time for you too! Helping  your daughter navigate the emotional rollercoaster of  middle school will pay off through the quality of your  relationship with her in the future.

For more information, questions, comments, email Sara Braun, Middle School  Youth Advocate: sbraunryc@optonline.net.

(Endnotes)

1 *Brown, L.M., and Gilligan, C. 1992. Meeting at the Crossroads:  Women’s Psychology and Girls’ Development. New York: Ballantine  Books.