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Having a Real Conversation with Your Teen

Communicating with your teen takes many different forms – beyond the actual words that you use, it is how, what and why you say something, it is what you don’t say and it is your body language – including facial expressions, posture and the tone of voice that you use.  In order to have good communication, you must make an effort at it.  Active listening is CRITICAL to effectively communicate with your teen.

What is active listening?

When you are actively listening to someone, you are giving them your undivided attention and you are fully focused on what they are saying.  Try not to let your thoughts drift or your attention wander.  Reduce any possible distractions.  Pay attention to the words that are being said, but more importantly to the EMOTION that is being expressed.  Try your hardest to not interrupt the person speaking to you and do your best to not respond until the person is completely finished with what they want to say.  Also, pay attention to body language and what it is conveying.  Often, nonverbal communications speak louder than words.  This goes for you and your child.  If your child is saying one thing, but their body is saying something else – keep that in mind.  Also, be aware of your own body language and what is conveying to him/her.  Give good eye contact, try to be fully focused on the conversation and pay attention to what message your body is sending.

During the conversation, try to ask good, relevant questions and try your hardest not to pass judgment or to let your anxieties get so high that you intervene and try to solve the problem right away for them.  Resist the urge to interrupt your child when he/she is speaking.  You will have time when they are finished to clarify or to ask questions.  When asking questions, think about the intent of the questions.  You do not want to criticize or pry.  By all means possible, we want to keep the lines of communication open and we want to have them share what they are experiencing in their life.  Our children are so important to us and we want them to feel loved and respected.

Being able to paraphrase and empathize with you son or daughter is very important.  It shows that you are really hearing what they are saying and that you understand.  It is not wise to push your child to share anymore than he/she is ready to share.  You must respect their privacy. 

Some good suggestions to follow as outlined by Daniel Perkins and Kate Fogarty of the University of Florida are:

• Encourage elaboration and gather more facts and details
• Do not assume that you know what your teen means
• Ask for clarification with questions
• Check your tone for sincerity
• Ask open-ended questions
• Don’t give advice until you have asked for the teen’s opinions on the situation.  Help them think through the situation and ask them what they see as solutions or what they think should happen.
• Be genuine with your teen, they are best at spotting insincere adults.
• Do not try to be a buddy with your teen. Teens do not like it when the adults in their lives try to act live teens themselves.