Articles

Keep Your Eye on the Finish Line

I know.  You have already had a challenging morning.  Tired children (and parents!), racing to dress, eat breakfast and get out the door in time to get to school and work.  “Do you have your homework, your instrument, your lunch….etc.” are questions heard throughout the households.  Trying to avoid meltdowns and hoping to start the day on a positive note so you can all be at your best for a new day.  Then you realize that your child forgot something, AGAIN.  Do you race to drop it off at school in time for that subject?  Do you make that special trip to bring in the signed permission slip since it is the last day to turn it in if you want your child to go on that trip? 

Your child is not invited to a birthday party.  Do you console them, call the other parent, take them shopping, or give them a cookie to make them feel better?

They didn’t make the team or get into the special class.  Do you call the teacher/coach and make a case to get the decision overturned?  Do you let them feel the pain and disappointment, or look for a way to make the pain disappear?

As a parent myself, I do know how difficult it is to watch your child struggle and endure disappointments, mistreatment and pain in any way.  We would rather endure it ourselves sometimes since we feel more equipped to handle it.  But what made us so capable in handling the bumps in the road of life that we have all faced at some time?  Was it those very same difficult experiences that taught us about resilience, and our ability to survive difficult times?

When we dreamed about having children, we thought about the love, the laughter and the fun.  We thought about possibilities and while the future was very much in the distance, our overarching goal was to raise children that would be well-adjusted, happy, and able to contribute to the world in some way.  If we had spent any time anticipating the tantrums, sullen looks, and whining we might have taken a pass at parenting altogether!   Perhaps if we had spent some time anticipating those challenging times, we might have thought of some coping strategies that would mesh with our long term goals for our children.

I have often heard parents worry in anticipation of adolescence and all of the temptations their children will face with alcohol, drugs, sexual activity and risky behavior.  We arm ourselves with all of the latest information in order to prepare for the decisions our children will be making at this time and hope that they will be able to resist temptations that come their way. With all of the preparations we make for this period of time, we don’t always connect the important role that early decisions and interventions will play in their choices.

So, getting back to my other questions, is there such a thing as being too helpful when it comes to our children?  Is there a point when we must step back and let them make those mistakes, feel that disappointment, deal with that heartache?  

The answer is YES.  This doesn’t mean I am of the school that suggests you throw them in the deep end and let them sink or swim.  We should continue to guide them, show them the path and let them make some of their own decisions.  Rather than “I told you so” as a response to mistakes, we can ask them how they might want to correct the mistakes.  Rather than rushing in with a fun activity when someone has let them down, it would be alright to allow your child to have those awful feelings, help them come up with some coping strategies to manage those feelings and let them know that all people experience those feelings at some times in their life and it will get better.

The more opportunities that children have to face their struggles and learn to manage them and survive them, the more resilient they will be for larger hurts and disappointments that will come their way as they grow older.  We want to communicate to them that we have confidence in their ability to get through painful experiences. 

We have often been told about making the most of the teachable moments that come our way.   It may be tempting to ignore those moments at times in favor of what is expedient.  It is so important for us to take advantage of situations that arise when we are able.   If we want our children to be able to make good decisions throughout life, we have to let them make age appropriate decisions and allow them to feel the consequences of those decisions.  If we want them to be able to develop independence, we have to give them opportunities to experience it while we can still guide them and teach them about correcting mistakes. 

The pain you allow them to feel today will prepare them for future pain.  It will teach them that there is an alternative to medicating oneself with alcohol, drugs, shopping, food, and anti-depressants.  They will be able to call upon the memories of earlier experiences when they survived painful times and recall the healthy strategies they used to recover.  And in doing so, we will have prepared them to lead lives that are prepared to face the challenges that may lie ahead as they pursue their dreams.