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Challenges of Parenting Young Adolescents

Spring is here (hopefully for real by the time this article is in  print). As the weather gets warmer, and school begins to  show signs of ending, kids are itching to get out of the house,  to be with their friends and, yes, to be without as much  adult supervision. As middle school children get older, they  want—and need--more autonomy. And as adults, we want to  keep them safe. Parents of young adolescents are faced with  difficult dilemmas: How do I know when my child is ready  for more freedom? What does appropriate supervision look  like for adolescents?? Which ‘battles’ are worth fighting with  my child?? (And, how do I endure the eye rolling and door  slamming??)

In order for parents to have chance for sanity during the teen  years, a refresher on adolescent development may be helpful.

Adolescent Development 101: Do you remember your child’s  toddler years? Think back to the time when your child was  about two. There was an increase in mobility, maybe a  growth spurt. There was an increased desire to explore the  world, test the limits of your authority. There was emotional  intensity and a furious reaction to the word “NO”. Your child  would walk, crawl, run away from you in an effort to see and  touch new things (especially forbidden ones). She would  always come back though, needing reassurance that you were  always there. She would want to know that you weren’t too  mad at her. She would cry for you passionately when she  fell and bumped her head. You were the home base—the  ultimate security blanket, the reason that exploring the world  was possible.

Now consider that early adolescence is a kind of recurrence of  the dynamics of toddler hood. Adolescents are very much like  toddlers (but with much better vocabularies!). Like toddlers,  adolescents have an increased desire to push the boundaries  of their immediate world in an effort to gain a sense of  mastery. However, their ability to adeptly argue with parents  can obfuscate their need (and desire) for clear limit setting.  With a toddler, you are very clear that you are not going to let  her run into the road no matter how much she protests. An  adolescent can be very adept at trying to persuade you that  what they want to do is perfectly fine and safe (even if your  gut is telling you otherwise).

So, when your 1½ year old wanted to run across the lawn,  you let him go for a distance but made sure to catch him long  before he got to the road. In his mind, he was running free  for a while, feeling the exhilaration of that freedom while knowing that you were somewhere near. When you took  your three-year-old to the playground, you may have chosen  to sit on the bench to watch her climb and slide from a safe  distance. She had the equally important needs of accomplishing  things herself and of having you be present with her for all of  it (“Watch me climb, Mommy!!). You may have had to sit on  your urge to mediate sharing conflicts between your child and  his peers on the playground so that your child would learn to  get along other children.

The settings of the road, the hot stove, and the playground  battles have been transformed into the mall (or the movies),  alcohol or cigarettes, and the social drama between peers. But,  the tasks—both yours and your child’s—are very similar to what  they were in early childhood. The job of your adolescent is to  develop his own identity and the skills necessary to function  as an adult. He is now feeling the pressures of the social and  academic world and knows that he is going to have to eventually  fend for himself. This means that he must take some risks on  his own, must be allowed some room to struggle and to feel the  natural consequences (and rewards) of his own decisions. And  yet, because adolescents do not have the cognitive maturity  needed to consistently make safe decisions parents have to  establish the absolute limits of their children’s autonomy. Of  course, this is easier said than done.

There are ways to watch your adolescents from a safe distance,  to gradually allow them more freedom, and to communicate  with them what the bottom line is in terms of what you will  allow and not allow (caution: there will be lots of eye rolling,  door slamming and worse). Although not meant to be a perfect  formula, here are some guidelines as a place to begin:

1. Let young adolescents be without you in a clearly  adult-supervised setting. (I.e. at school, at sports  practice, at a clearly supervised after-school club, on a  field trip, at a licensed camp, etc.);

2. Let them be with peers, without close adult  supervision, in a predictably safe environment. (I.e.  at the local Mall, with you in another part of the mall  but not with your child the whole time, at the movies  with you in a different row). This is analogous to  letting your toddler run “freely” around your yard.

3. Talk to them about the challenges (and exciting  events) that they have encountered while “on their  own”. Ask them what they would do differently  next time and give them direct suggestions of how  to handle challenges such as being approached  by older kids or adults. Let them know that these  conversations are crucial in order for you to know  when they are ready for more privileges.

4. As your child shows you (and themselves) that  they can responsibly handle the parameters of the  above situations, gradually allow them slightly more  autonomy. For example, a child who has consistently  come back to meet you at agreed upon times and  places in the mall and has not made harmful decisions  can be dropped off at the mall with a friend for a  pre-determined period of time and picked up by  you. Or, let them be with peers, without close adult  supervision, in a less predictably safe environment  (I.e. an amusement park), but with clear meet up  times and check in phone calls.

When possible, keep groups of kids small (2-3).  There is a direct correlation between risky adolescent  behaviors and the number of kids together in a group.

5. A note about sleepovers or parties at friends’ houses:  All parents want to believe that their children are  being honest with them about what they are doing/ intending to do, etc. However, even the most  wonderful, lovable children will tell their parents half- truths, white-lies, or just what they want to believe  about a much desired social situation. Your child may  tell you that an adult is going to be supervising them  at a party or sleepover or that they are just going to  be staying in at a friend’s house, etc. The very difficult  reality is that you don’t know unless you know. There  is never a guarantee that your child is going to be  supervised adequately at a friend’s house, even if you  are friendly with the family. The second best thing  to supervising your children and their friends yourself  is to ask specific questions of the adults in the home  where your child is going to be. As hard as it is, and  as much as your child is going to beg and plead with  you not to embarrass him, it is important to hear  from the adults directly that they are going to be  home. Unless you ask directly about the availability of  alcohol in a family’s home, you will not know whether  or not alcohol is going to be accessible (locked up,  served to other adults in the presence of children,  etc.). Note that the number one associated cause of  young adolescent drinking is merely the availability of  alcohol.

Now about the eye rolling, door slamming, and other  unappreciated adolescent behaviors…Of course, there is  no remedy for this, except for time. Going back to the  “terrible-twos”, remember that no matter how violent your  child’s tantrums were, they were intermittent. There were  times when your terrible toddler was sweet and precious.  Remember that the tantrums were necessary because they  often resulted from your setting limits that would ensure their  safety. No, you can’t run into the road. No you can’t touch a  hot stove. No you can’t eat candy until you are sick. The real  message got through: “I love you so I am going to protect  you.” Your child got that message then and will get it now.

If you have specific issues that you want to discuss about  parenting your middle school child, please feel free to contact  Sara Braun, LCSW, the Middle School Youth Advocate at sbraunryc@optonline.net or by calling the Rye Youth Council  at 967-3838, ext. 102.