Articles

Bullying Through the Ages

The dynamics of bullying—far from being simple—are multifaceted human interactions that occur at all stages of life.  The articles below attempt to elucidate some of the core components of bullying as well as to describe how bullying is expressed at different stages of child/adolescent development.  Finally, we talk about the impact that the specific community environment has on how our children behave and offer some suggestions about what caring adults can do to lessen the impact of bullying.

Elementary School Bullying

There has been a great deal of emphasis placed on the topic of bullying in recent years and I would like to take this opportunity to offer a different perspective on what we have perceived to be the increasing amount of violence we have seen in children at younger ages.
Many years ago, it was not unusual for children to have their first opportunity to socialize with larger groups of children when they started kindergarten.  In recent years, many have been exposed to long term daycare or at the very least nursery school.  The primary focus of these early years was devoted to the socialization process – learning how to get along and play with others, sharing, taking turns, and to start to develop some inner controls around sitting still for longer periods and waiting to be called upon to share.
While all of these skills continue to be learned and practiced in early education venues, as more of the emphasis has been placed upon performance and academics, we have devoted less time to develop proficiency at these other very important life skills. 

In addition, we are expecting mastery of certain tasks at younger ages than before, while the natural developmental process of children has not changed.  So we are setting up a dynamic which places higher expectations on children, at younger ages, with less time and skill learning to know how to manage socially.  In addition, when you expect children to master skills that they are not developmentally ready to handle, we place more stress on them and raise their anxiety level. 
Children are doing the very best they can to learn and to get along with others, but an important task of theirs is to learn about the world and how everything operates.  As part of their exploration to learn about boundaries with peers, they will push to see whether someone pushes back (both verbally and physically).  They are still very self centered and expect everything to revolve around them.  (That is the model they may have at home and they may not be used to having to consider the wishes and feelings of others.)
Children are under a tremendous amount of pressure throughout the school day.  They are expected to sit still for long periods of time, control impulsivity, and to learn and master many new concepts.  Socially they are hoping to have friends and be welcomed in all settings.  So much of their school day is caught up in “saving face”  - fitting in, avoiding making mistakes or embarrassing themselves in any way and knowing how to recover from the remarks made by others that are hurtful to them.  It is not surprising that sometimes all of this becomes overwhelming to them and they take this out on others as a means of release.
There are many ways that the adults in their lives can help them over these hurdles. 

1) Listen, listen, and then listen some more.  Often we want to jump in and offer advice or opinions about how they could have handled it better.  They need to know we will listen without judgment and give them a chance to vent about their day.

2) Don’t assume that you will need to act on what they are saying.  People usually feel better after having a chance to tell their story and children are no exception.  They may complain and be very dramatic and you may think by their account that what occurred was a disaster.  The reality is that usually, once they vent to you about their disappointments and frustrations, they feel better and have moved on.  Be willing to move on unless you hear certain difficulties revisited regularly.

3) Suspend judgment as much as possible about your child’s actions and those of their peers.  It is a fairly common practice to want to assign blame to someone and when we do so, we lose sight of the larger picture.  We would all be much better served if we were to view any child’s inappropriate behavior as a teaching opportunity, to assist them in one of the many areas that children are learning about the world. 

4) Be open to information that adults (teachers, other parents) want to share about your child.  Parents, especially mothers, often get blamed for their children’s actions and it has put many of us on the defensive.  We are open to noticing ourselves and hearing from others when our child is having difficulty in math.  The solution seems clear – get them the support they need to be successful.  View social, emotional and behavioral comments in the same way.  An opportunity to provide your child with the extra support they may need in order to be successful in this area as well.

5) It will be most helpful if the adults in their lives understand that when you see children behaving in a way that is hurtful to themselves or others, what they need most is our intervention and guidance.  They need to have us model openness and acceptance of others, especially people who are not like us. 

6) Practice problem solving strategies with your children.  Our goal is to prepare our children to be able to solve their own problems.  Give children a chance to develop and practice some  ways of coping in different social situations and teach them the guidelines of what constitutes a healthy choice (doesn’t harm yourself, doesn’t harm someone else, and doesn’t do damage to the environment).

7) Patience, patience and more patience.   Our children are under an enormous amount of pressure on a daily basis.  The days of innocence are few and far between and many of them exert an enormous amount of restraint to just get through each day.  Understand that they will need to come home and vent about their day.  They may complain, argue and be unpleasant at times.  This is a GOOD thing.  I know, it doesn’t feel that way to be on the receiving end, but if home is safe enough to complain and talk, it can also be the place where we teach them coping strategies to go out and face another day.

8) Get support for yourself.  Parents need to be in touch with other parents.  You need a place to be validated for your efforts, to learn strategies and coping skills.  It is helpful to share with others about the self-doubt and uncertainty in some situations.  We all go through it at some time and we can help one another get through some of the tough times in order that we may continue to be thoughtful and caring with our children.

Middle School Bullying

It should not be a surprise to anyone that middle school students can be mean.  And if we are really observant, we will have to acknowledge that most middle school students are, at different moments in time, both the victim and the perpetrator of meanness. 
So, what do we mean when we say that there is “bullying” going on at middle school?  And further, what does it look like in this community?  This article will attempt to elucidate the concept of bullying at the middle school level in an attempt to provide a shared understanding of these complex social dynamics. 
Some aspects of middle school bullying are as old and universal as middle school itself—while others may be more representative of a particular school culture. 
The essence of meanness that young adolescents bestow upon each other seems to boil down to a group of students saying or doing something to an individual to make him or her feel humiliated, inferior and, most importantly, excluded.  The purpose, of course, is to bolster the confidence, superiority and most importantly, the social acceptance and inclusion of the perpetrating group.  This entire exchange is only possible because of the fact that all middle school children are acutely afraid of being excluded.  A young adolescent knows nothing if not that his social identity and position are not yet secure.  Even the most popular young person spends most of her psychic energy trying to maintain her social status.  And the insecurity of the less socially adept child—the child less able to hide his fear—is a beacon of opportunity for the more socially adept (of the moment) student to establish dominance. 
Girls and boys express their struggle for social inclusion in qualitatively different ways.  Girls are more indirect—gossiping, spreading rumors behind other girls’ backs, avoiding, excluding other girls—sometimes with smiling faces.  Boys tend to be more direct—calling each other names directly, pushing, shoving, and at times escalating to physical violence.
Whereas the dynamics of middle school meanness are timeless, the specific content is often reflective of the social values of the particular community or culture.  So, when I recently asked various groups of middle school students in Rye to describe to me what “bullying” looks like in their lives, I got many examples of exchanges that were based on the social values of dominance in our society.  Comments and exchanges about race, ethnicity, economic status, gender-expression and sexual orientation were prevailing themes.  [“Her shoes are lame (used, weathered, out of fashion)…”She said that I called her a spic…He called me a sissy…a faggot…They said I throw like a girl…She lives in a small house...”]
Other themes of humiliation were reported to be tailor-made for the recipient.  That is, whatever bothers the individual person the most will be exploited (“She’s the youngest child, so she’s spoiled…”His parents are divorced so he has issues…”).
Unfortunately, the dynamics of excluding and humiliating and clambering for a more desirable social position are ongoing throughout the waking lives of young adolescents.  (Is it any wonder that they are difficult to get out of bed in the morning?)
These realities are painful and real.  So what can adults do to mitigate the pain for our children and ourselves as concerned observers?  As a beginning, here are some guidelines:

- Understand that some of this meanness is normal and sadly human.  High school does get better as young people become more secure in who they are.  Continue to remind yourself and your children of this.

- Differentiate between meanness and bullying:  When one child is targeted over and over again by a group and/or when the negative exchanges do not resolve in a few days (the maximum life span of a middle school altercation between friends), but escalate over time the behavior crosses a line into harassment.  Behavior such as this is against school policy and should not be tolerated.  If you identify a clear pattern of harassment, don’t hesitate to intervene on your child’s behalf with school officials.

- When the dynamics that you are seeing cannot really be defined as harassment but are more of the daily social exchanges between young adolescents, offer support to children—regardless of which end of the dynamic they are on that week.  Certainly children who are excluded need support—to be listened to, comforted, and offered more of a global perspective (this is how middle school kids act sometimes, everyone feels insecure at times, high school will be better, etc.)  Conversely, the kids who are “on top” need support and a perspective as well.  These children are harboring fear and anxiety about losing their social niche and often need help to control their impulses to exclude and demean others.  They are at risk of internalizing a sense of themselves as dominant and aggressive.  For these children, “support” can be two-fold:  first, helping them to develop a sense of empathy and connection (“How did you feel when that happened to you last year?...How would you feel if that were to happen to you?”).  Second, helping these “alpha” kids to focus on their own unique talents and strengths (“ You are so good at...It’s so nice when you…I am so proud of you for…”).  They need confirmation of their lovability as much as any other child.

- Programmatically—support children’s involvement in school and community programs that value diversity, fairness, and teambuilding over individual achievement.  Our community most definitely reflects the American societal values of individual triumph and achievement.  That translates into very high test scores and winning sports teams.  However, sometimes culture of competition that produces high individual achievement sacrifices teamwork, compassion and the kindness that is much needed during the middle school years.

High School Bullying

Some examples of bullying on the high school level:
- “Don’t tell Cara that I am telling you this, but she said that you act fake and you think every guy wants you.  You have to promise not to say anything .”  

- A boy goes into the bathroom to use the bathroom and when he comes out, his bookbag is gone.

- Photos are taken at a house party and one is of a football player in girl’s underwear.  Next day back at school, the photos are posted all over the place before security takes it down.

- A poll is created about various kids on the computer and classmates can vote on-line about these people.

- A group of girls is going to an event and the “leader” of the group decides to exclude one of the main members and talks everyone into supporting her.  The victim is left feeling isolated, alone and depressed.

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For many kids, the transition to high school can be an exciting new opportunity for growth and change, while for others it can be stressful and overwhelming.  Bullying begins in elementary school, peaks during the middle school years and becomes less common by the end of high school.  That being said, bullying still occurs and in many different forms.  There is teasing, taunting, stealing from others, threatening, hitting or getting physical, making jokes, scapegoating, spreading rumors, and socially isolating someone or ostracizing them from “the group.”  Although direct physical aggression decreases with age, verbal maltreatment and social aggression appears to remain constant and quite common.  While many kids have the skills and resources to deal with these kinds of behaviors, some cannot cope and do not have a group of peers to turn to for support.

The key components of bullying are:  
- An intent to do harm
- To create an imbalance of power, and
- The bullying is repetitive

Children who bully want to feel powerful and in control, most often because they feel a sense of internal powerlessness.  They gain  a temporary sense of satisfaction from hurting others, have little care or concern for the victim and often rationalize their behaviors by saying the victims provoked them in some way.  Often, bullies at the high school level do not have a large capacity for empathy because of the lack of connection or empathy from adults closest to them.
Bullying has different styles:
Some bullying is aggressive and involves openly harassing others
Bullying can also be more manipulative and sly – it takes place in a much more underhanded way.
The bottom line is that being targeted by a bully in any shape or form decreases self-esteem and can cause physical illness, depression, decreased academic  achievement and it can leave lifelong scars.  Bullying is a problem in every school in the country, but the good news is that it is a problem that can be stopped if we work together in the community, in our homes and with the schools to make sure that it is not tolerated in any of its forms.
For more discussion on this or other topics, please feel free to contact our youth advocates:

Stephanie Low, Elementary School Youth Advocate
stephlowryc@optonline.net;  967-3838 ext. 101

Sara Braun, Middle School Youth Advocate
sbraunryc@optonline.net; 967-3838, ext. 102

Casey DeCola, High School Youth Advocate
decolac@ryecityschools.lhric.org; 967-6100, ext. 1204